diary

Dear Diary...

When I have a daughter, she will be named Olivia.

Don't worry, Ma, I'm not pregnant or anything. I know you read my journal, although you'll deny it if asked, so let me just assure you that I am on birth control and have a diaphragm and make Tommy wear a condom.

Kidding! I'm kidding! Geez. Don't have a heart attack.

AS I WAS SAYING before my ma freaked out, my daughter will be called Olivia. She will be tall and beutiful and popular and happy and she won't have to be a softball player because her mom wants her to be. I'm not going to ruin my daughter's life.

And Olivia is like the coolest name in the world.

Anise (her parents met at like a herb fair, of all places. I'm going to meet my future lover in someplace romantic, like the prom, or something. A herb fair. that's so... parental.) Anise says that I am "projecting" (Her mom's a psychiatrist, so Anise has all these words she likes to throw around.) because Olivia says I can try out for the cheerleading squad, but it's not true. Olivia's just rad. Sometimes Anise is so limiting.

...

I'm back. That was this total nerd named Rodney Geller on the phone. I've known him forever, since second grade, and he calls me. I don't know why. He wants everyone to call him _Rod_. Like that will make him a non-nerd. Puh-leaze. So I'm like, "Ma, tell him I'm not here." and Ma goes, "I already told him you were here." and I go, "Damnit" but not loud enough that she can hear me and ground me again. So I pick up the phone and am like, "What?" and he goes "Hiiiiiiiiiyiiiii" all geeky like. And I'm like, yeah. And he's like talking about nothing, and I say, "Dude, whatta you want?" And he like asks me what I'm doing Friday. And I'm like, "Dude, I'm not dating you. And he's all like "Why?" real whiney like, and I've like told him a thousand times no, and it was the same old shit.

I can say shit here, because Mom can't punish me for it without showing her up to be a total hypocrite for reading my diary.

So like Aunt Katherine gave me the diary for Christmas, and it was lying there for like weeks and Ma says to me, "Ya gotta like, use it, she's your aunt, you gotta respect that blah blah blah." She just wanted to be able to get "a handle" on me. She doesn't understand me at all. I heard her talking to Cynthy (who is my mom's best friend. Cynthy thinks she's a teenager, but she's really 50) about me a few weeks ago, and my mother has no clue who I am, really. So I think she wants me to write in this diary and than she'll read it when I'm in school. So let me just say, ma, that I could be lying about everyting, or just a few things in here. So you might get really pissed off at something I didn't even do.

God. My mother. She's wants to run my life, and I'm like No. And she's like Yes. Do this. Do that. Pick up this. Don't do that. Put on a longer skirt. I mean, like I'm basically an adult, and she has a bazillion other things she needs to think about - like her own clothes!!!!!! She wears these baggy clothes that make her look so totally uncool.

TUESDAY. 11 pm.

This writing thing sucks. I mean, I was reading over what I wrote yesterday, and like, without like my voice giving it the right sounds, it is so boring.

School sucked today. I was sitting in English, and Miss Petty Ham-Legs was like talking about the Scarlet Letter, and I'm like, "Dude. She had rights. This was America, right? I mean, she should have like taken the A off. I mean, if she's not going to like fight back, why should I get all angry for her?" and she like says to me, "Don't call me dude. I am Miss Hamlay." I mean, come on! She's such a bitch. And then she like goes on for 20 minutes about how wrong I am. Whatever happened to "All of your takes on this book are real and good?" Adults are such hypocrites. I am not going to be that way when I'm old.

WEDNESDAY 5 pm.

Ma told me to like set the table, and I said that I had to write in my journal, and so now I guess I have to. I came up and I put on this old cd from Primus really loud, and Ma comes up and is like, turn that off, and I'm like, it helps me think, and she's like it gives me a headache. God, I just don't understand where I got the "likes good music" gene from. I should buy some rap just to piss her off.

FRIDAY 12:42.

So we went to the movies, and Anise met this guy in the lobby, so we hung out afterwards, and so we were a little late for curfew. Big deal, it's not even like I had a real date tonight. You'd think Ma'd be a little more concerned about the fact I don't have a man than in I was little late after an evening with my friend. But nooooo. I got the lecture of the year about responsibility and respect and being careful.

So I was 15 or 30 minutes late. At least I didn't like come in drunk and throw up on her like that idiot Lindsay Looper did to her mother. She should be grateful that I am so good a daughter, but no, you'd think I was trying to kill her like the Mendez brothers, or something. That's the last thing I needed after having Anise whisper to me through the whole movie about how cute this guy was and how she liked him and was he looking at her, and it was totally boring. And the movie sucked.

I'm going to the mall tomorrow. I don't care what she said. I told Sandy I'd meet her there, and I'm going to be there. If my mother tries to stop me, I'll make her sorry.

WEDNESDAY 8:00.

Ryan Monstantz asked me out!!!! He just showed up at my locker and asked me, and then when I said yes, he put his knuckle under my chin and clucked it! Oh, he is sooooo beautiful. Ma had better like, not try and stop me from going like she did for the mall, because I will never speak to her again!!!!

I'm so happy happy happy. I think I'm going to wear my blue miniskirt with the purple striped wool things underneath in case we walk outside, and that shiney blue shirt I got a Leobitz's on sale, and my tall spike boots with the heels.

THURSDAY 7:48.

Anise says Ryan is a jerk. She's just jealous cause he asked me out and not her. She used to like him like him, but than he made fun of her name, and she was like all pissed off, and hated him immediately. It's been a whole year. He's grown up, but Anise is like holding a super-big grudge. She's like all mad and stuff, and I just went, ya know what? Forget it. If you want to pull that shit on me, I don't need to see you, and she's went, I'm not telling you to do anything, but if you want to choose a BOY over your best friend, than you are a total asshole." I'm the asshole? She's upset because someone pointed out how silly her name was a year ago.

FRIDAY 4:30

I am never speaking to Anise again.

I don't care if she came crawling up to my door and promises to buy me that new dress in Ferguson's window and that she's very sorry, and will never ever do it to me again. She's such a bitch. I can not believe that she did that to me, and in front of Olivia and Kathi and Lizzi and Danni and everyone! That was just mean. Just because she's never going to be popular and I'm like going out with Ryan, she wants to ruin my life, just like Fatal Attraction, except I dress better than that wife. I am so pissed off that I've got these ugly red blotches on my face. I bet she planned that too, just to ruin my date. Now I've got to sneak makeup of my mom's drawer so I will hide it (she'll never miss it with the huge quantities she puts on every day. Yeah Mom. You should consider getting your face sandblasted every night.)

SATURDAY 1:04 AM

I'm in love, love, love!!!!

Mrs. Ryan Monstantz.
Ryan and Christy Monstantz.
Mrs. Christy Monstantz.
Christy Baker-Monstantz
Christina Monstantz.

This Vignette was inspired by the daily decision I made one day, which was essentially the first line. It just ... mushroomed.